Word of the day...

I bet ya’ll didn’t know you would gaining a whole new vocabulary while reading this blog, did you? H makes up many words and while that in itself is not extraordinary (I mean, we ALL make up our own words, don’t we?), the fact that she believes they are legitimate is. She is always so surprised when she says something and I ask her to repeat it with a questioning look. She repeats it then pauses before asking me, “is that not a real word?” To which I usually reply, “it is now, I guess.”

Today’s word of the day is: Depthly. Yes, you read that right. Let me help you with it. Depthly (dep-th-lee).

Approximate Definition: The distance from the top of something, such as a body of water.

H’s example: “Bob wanted to know how depthly the lake froze over.”

The Organic Donuts

One weekend back in 2012, we had some fishing planned at a local lake. H and our nephew, T, who was then 10 years old, I believe, were hanging out until later in the evening.

After work the Friday prior to the fishing expedition, I picked up brother N, who was accompanying us (along with nephew, B, who has not yet arrived, so forget about him at this moment). As we got closer to the house, my phone rang. It was H telling us that her and T stopped for donuts.

H: “T and I were driving back home and I my car all of a sudden pulled into the donut shop. I don’t know what happened but since we are here, I figured we may as well get a box of donuts.”
Me: “Your car just went there on its’ own accord, huh?”
H: “Yeah. I don’t know what happened, it’s very weird. Since I’m here and all, what kind of donuts do you and N want?”

N is laughing loudly in the passenger seat as I just shake my head. Anyone who knows H understands that stating she is a donut lover, is putting it mildly. N, who is very much related to me, especially in the sarcastic humor department, sets what follows into motion:

N: “Well, I don’t know. Are they organic?”
H: “Organic?”
Me: “Oh jeez, that’s right, I forgot about that. Babe, N is really allergic to the normal dough they use for donuts, so the donuts have to be organic.”
N, pretending he forgot the phone was coming over my car speakers: “Sister, maybe this time it will be okay.”
Me, also pretending to forget: “No, no, I can’t have you in the emergency room before we go fishing.”
H: “Emergency room? What?”
Me: “Babe, last time N had a regular donut he went into shock and was hospitalized. It was horrible. It’s important to see if the donuts are organic or not.”
H, sounding wary but on the verge of panic: “Oh no, I already bought them. Hang on.”

H disappeared for a few moments. While we were treated to silence, N and I would pass glances back and forth, completely confused as to what happened. We finally shrugged our shoulders and waited. A few moments later, she returned.

H: “I don’t know what to do.”
N: “What do you mean?”
H: “Well, I ran back into the donut shop and asked the lady behind the counter if the donuts were organic. She gave me a weird look but said she didn’t know. Should I go somewhere else?”

Now, N and I were both a little shocked at this revelation and just looked at each other with open mouths for a moment. We fought and won the battle to control our laughter.

Me: “You went in and asked?”
H: “Yeah, I will stop at another donut shop and ask if they have organic ones.”
T finally speaks up in the background: “Aunty H2, there are no such things as organic donuts.”
H: “What?”
T: “They are just messing with you, there are no such things.”
Now I fully expected the joke to be over until we heard H say: “Let’s go in this donut shop and ask them. Babe, I’ll talk to you when you get home.”

H and I hung up, leaving N and I to ponder the fact that a 10 year-old wasn’t fooled while the 37 year-old was. I am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth when it stands in front of me so I took the joke up another notch. I called T’s parental units and explained the situation so they would play along when they picked him later and dropped of B. Approximately 40 minutes later, we were all at the house and H had a giant box of donuts on the table. N picked one up and smelled it.

H: “What are you doing, N?”
N: “Sometimes I can tell if they are organic by how they smell.”
H: “Really?”
N: “Yeah, but these ones are tricky. The chocolate on the top is hiding the scent of the dough. Sister, I am gonna try one, and if I start to puff up, tell me right away.”
T’s mom: “Do you have epi-pen, just in case?”
N: “Naw, I used it last time I ate the wrong kind of donut and forgot to get another one.”

At this point, H was really looking panicked and our friends were biting their lips not to laugh.

Me: “Okay, bro, if you’re sure.”

N licks the donut, then takes a small nibble. He pauses and H watches him closely. He opened his mouth to attempt to speak and nobody could contain it anymore -- we all started laughing.

H looked at us confused for a moment then said, “Wait, were you f*&^ing with me? Oh my God, you were, and you were all in on it?”

We all nodded, then 10 year-old T sighed loudly and shook his head. “I TOLD you there was no such thing as organic donuts.”

NOTE: I have recently learned that there are now donuts made with organic ingredients, so while not technically organic donuts, they are often called that. Good thing this joke took place prior to this knowledge.

H vs. Shower Curtain

At home, we have glass shower doors, yes? Just nod your head and understand that it's important to the story. Well, recently we were at a hotel that had shower curtains instead, like most do. They weren't some kind of new modern technological type of shower curtains, either, just basic everyday shower curtains. Mind you, it is the one with the inner waterproof curtain and the outer "pretty" curtain, so perhaps that can make them complicated for some. Never once has it dawned on me that perhaps there is an adult out there who has never learned how to use a shower curtain.

As I sat in a very important lecture, my phone vibrates several times in my pocket. I pull it out under the table to take a look and I see this text from H...

I imagine that my face turned several shades of red as I tried to hold in my laughter. The hotel staff truly loved us.

Word of the day...

Today's word of the day is brought to you courtesy of H.
Word is "drivesy."

H: "Her driveway is long and she made it look so easy while backing up using only her mirrors. She was all drivesy and stuff."

But you’re behind us...

So this one is way more recent, having taken place in July 2014. Allow me to set the scene...

H, one of our best friends (N), two of her lovely kids, and I went to a local rodeo. Like every rodeo, at least every rodeo I have ever been to, we sat on the hard metal bleachers to watch the show. H and I sat in one row, with N sitting in the row directly behind us. H’s back gets sore so N sat behind her so H could lean against her legs as a backrest when needed. What a great friend, huh? Okay, so back to the story.

During a break between events, I began taking pictures to post up on facebook as memories. I took some of the boys, some of H and N together, etc. N suggests she take a picture of H and I, which is a terrific idea. I can never have enough pics of my wife and I together. H gets a puzzled look on her face and in a rather distraught voice, firmly states, “Well, that’s not even possible.” A bit confused as to what she is referring to, N and I both put our attention on her.

Me: “What’s impossible?”
H: “Her taking our picture together.”
N: “Why is that impossible? My phone takes pictures, too.”

If you can imagine a look of complete and total confusion, please do so now. In an incredulous voice that children generally reserve for magicians, H asks, “But, how can you take our picture when you are sitting behind us?” 

I kid you not, folks, she really said that. I look back at N, who has a look of amazement on her face. This amazed look is commonplace when around H because sometimes words just cannot express the shock one feels when her brain and mouth don’t connect. H catches my look and turns her head in time to see N open her eyes wide and silently mouth the word, “WOW.” H immediately says, “What? I’m serious.” 

At this point, N stands up. “Check this out,” she says while taking two steps and sitting right next to H, “Can I take your picture from here?” 

You can almost hear it as the absurdity of the situation clicked into place in H’s mind. Her face went from confusion to that expression that can only be described as the non-verbalized form of “I get it now.” These are those moments that can only be responded to by telling her how pretty she is, which is something I do often. Fortunately, H has a terrific sense of humor.

A seasoned pan...

As you know by past postings, my wife is still on the cutting edge of learning to cook while at the same time tackling the challenge of following directions. One night, H was making frozen chicken nuggets for dinner. You know the kind you pull out of the freezer, toss onto a pan, bake for approximately 13 minutes? Piece of cake. She pulls them out and opens the bag like a professional.

Me: "Babe, can you season them on the pan?"
H stares at me blankly.
Me: "Can you put seasoning salt on them?"
H: "Now?"
Me: "On the pan."
H: "Oh, yeah, sure."

I watch her pull out the seasoning salt and set it on the counter. She pulls out a baking sheet and sets it next to the seasoning salt. She stares at it for a moment then picks up the salt and begins tilting it to pour it on the pan.

Me: "Honey?"
H: "What?"
Me: "What are you doing?"
H: "I'm seasoning the pan."
Me: "But there's nothing on the pan. What are you seasoning?"
Exasperated, H says, "You told me to season the pan."
Me: "No, I said to season the chicken after you put it on the pan."
H: "Oh..." She stares at me blankly for another passing moment."So I shouldn't season the pan?"
Me: "You are so so pretty."
H laughs and responds with, "Just remember you married me on purpose."

And I would do it again, folks.

I was supposed to remove the cardboard?

When H and I first started dating, we lived three hours apart. We spent out weekends together but on the weeknights, we video chatted. H really never learned how to cook so would eat a lot of takeout and instant meals. I really never knew how inexperienced H was in the kitchen until this night.

On this particular night, we were video chatting while she was baking one of those frozen pizzas. I believe it was a frozen Mama Celeste pizza, but that isn't really important -- just a detail I felt like sharing. In the background a buzzer goes off and H tells me to hang on so she can go grab her dinner out of the oven. I watch her walk towards the kitchen. A few seconds later, I hear "damn it!" She peeks her head into the doorway of the room her computer is at and tells me it'll be another moment. A few moments later she walks back into the room and looks at me shyly through the monitor. She has no pizza.

Me: "There's no way you ate your pizza already."

H: "No."

Me: "Did you burn it?"

H: "No."

Me: "So.....where is it?"

H: "Can I ask you a question without you thinking I'm a total dumbass?"

Me: "I think so."

H: "You know that round piece of cardboard that the pizza sits on when you take it out of the box and unwrap it?"

Me: "Yeah..."

H: "Are you supposed to remove it before you cook the pizza?"

Me: "Yes, why?"

H: "Oh. I didn't know that."

Me: "I see..."

She proceeded to walk out and and get the pizza to show me her talent in cooking. Sure enough, there was the cardboard, baked right into the pizza. I knew right then that life with H would never be boring.

Are those your keys?

My cousin J...I just adore her. Sometimes it's easy to forget that her common sense synapses don't always work quickly. Then there are times like these...

It's early morning when I see J's caller id flashing across my phone display. It's rare she calls in the morning so I was a bit concerned when I answered the phone. She tells me she was out drinking with some friends the night before and stayed at their house because she got fairly toasted. She now has to drive to work but her car won't unlock with the keyless entry remote. 

Me: "Do you have a key to unlock it?"

J: "Well, yeah, but it won't unlock."

Me: "You tried the actual metal key, too?"

J: "Not yet, but the remote won't work."

Me: "J, try the key."

J sighs to express how much of an idiot she think I am but tries the key anyways.

J: "I tried the key and it didn't unlock the door."

Me: "Are you sure you have the right keys?"

J: "I'm not that dumb. I know they are my keys. What is the number for AAA?"

I give her the number and she hangs up, telling me she will call me back. A few minutes later, My phone rings and we pass the time chatting while she waits for AAA. The driver arrives and she tells me to hang on while she explains the situation to him. After trying the keys himself, he said he will unlock the door for her so she can drive to work. J gets back on the line with me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

J: "I told you there was something wrong with my keys, even AAA at can't make it work. Oh, he got the door open. Hang on."

AAA driver talking to her: "Go ahead and start your car for me."

J: "Okay."

I am assuming at this point that she is attempting to do just that, because then I hear, "It isn't starting."

AAA Driver: "Can you pop the hood for me?"

J: "Maybe my battery died."

AAA Driver: "Try to start it again."

J: "Still not working."

AAA: "Can I get in there and try?"

I hear the keys being passed to him. Not a moment later, the driver says, "Can I have the car key?"

J: "That is the car key."

AAA: "This key doesn't go to this car. Are you sure these are your keys?"

Silence, then J laughs. I hear mumbles between her and the driver before she thanks him. Into the phone she tells me, "Don't say a word."

Me: "You had the wrong keys all this time? Does the keychain look like yours?"

J: "No."

Me: "And you didn't notice that until the AAA driver pointed it out to you?"

J: "Just shut up."

I love my cousin.

Word of the day...

Today's word of the day is brought to you courtesy of H.
Word is "lightnings."

H: "It never lightnings in San Diego."

Even snow needs a good raking...

This is really one of those stories that should be chalked up under the “You really had to be there” category, but I am going to attempt to share it anyways so stick with me.

Several years back when I first met H, I lived in the mountains. She lived near the beach so the concept of snow was new to her. When she would be up visiting on the weekends, she wanted nothing more than to be the one to clear the snow off the windshield of my truck or shovel it from the steps and driveway when she was able to. It was truly new to her.

Fast forward a little and I’m moving out of the house. There is some old snow and ice at the bottom of the driveway. Mind you, I have a friend and some family up helping me move everything and load it into truck. At some point, mom and I realize that H has disappeared. We glance around a little and see her on the other side of trailer, looking intently at the ground while performing some task. Whatever she was doing, it had every bit of her focus.

Naturally, mom and I felt the need to investigate. We move to where we can get a better viewpoint and look blankly at one another. There was H with a metal rake in her hands. Pausing to watch a moment, we realized that she was attempting to rake the snow.  

Curiously, I ask: “Honey?”
H: “Huh?”
Me: “Why are you raking the snow?”
H: “I was trying to get it into a pile.”
Mom: “Generally we use a shovel for that.”
H: “Oh.” She ponders, then a moment later, “Oh yeah, I can see how that would make more sense.”

She is so pretty.

I believe this is yours...

Cousin J calls me and begins the conversation with, “You’ll never guess what I did.” Everybody knows that this is usually the beginning of a good story, but with my cousin, it usually means I’m about to really have a good laugh. You have to understand that J is sometimes the epitome of every blond joke that gets told. She is incredibly book smart, but when it comes to common sense, she sometimes forgets to access her knowledge bank.

Prepared for anything, I sit back and ask, “what did you do this time?” She giggles and sends me a picture of her car with a gas nozzle and hose hanging from the gas tank. The picture is similar to this one except it was legitimately her car parked on the side of the road.

 J: “I couldn’t figure out why everyone was honking at me so I would just wave at them as they passed me. Finally I thought I’d pull over because I thought maybe my tire was flat or something and I saw the hose. And here I thought everyone was just being really friendly.”
Me: “ummm....”
J: “I don’t know what to do with it. Should I return it?”
Me: “I guess you can do that.”
J: “Well, you’re the smart one, is that what you’re supposed to do you?”
Me: “I’ve never wanted to take one home so I am not really sure of the proper protocol here. So, you just drove off? I mean, really, how did you forget that your car was attached to a gas pump?”
J, giggling again: “I don’t really know. I’ve never forgotten before. You know what, I’m just going to take it back. Hang on, I’m turning around. Good thing I only went a few blocks up the road.”

At this point, I am on speaker phone and I hear her mumble “Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m taking it back, quit honking” which makes me wonder...

Me: “J?”
J: “Huh?”
Me: “Did you at least remove the nozzle from your tank before you started driving again?”
J: “No, I’m taking it back to the gas station just like this so the guy doesn’t think I put it in my trunk to steal it.”
Me: “I see”
J: “Well, it’s true though, Cuz. I mean imagine how stupid I would look if I just pulled up, opened my trunk and pulled out the gas thing.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m sure you’d look pretty stupid...”

A few moments pass and she tells me to hang on while she talks to the gas attendant. Still on speaker phone, I hear this in the background. “Hey, umm, I believe this is yours” followed by some mumbling from what I assume is the attendant, then “yeah, I bet it happens all the time, huh? Oh, it really doesn’t? Oh. Well, I brought it back.” More undecipherable mumbling follows. I am pretty well into my laughter by the time she gets back into the car.

J: “Are you laughing at me?”
Me: "Yes, yes I am. What did the guy say?”
J: “I’m mad at him.”
Me: “Why are you mad at him?”
J: “Because he was rude and laughed at me.”
Me: “I see...”

Have you backed up your battery?

One day a few years back, I called my cousin, J, who lives several states away. She told me she would have to call me back because she just got her new cell phone upgrade delivered and she needs to get it set up so she can return her old one. We hung up with the understanding that after she transferred the information to her new cell, she would call me back. An hour passes by, so I sent her a text asking if things were okay. She immediately replied back with a “who is this?” Hesitantly, I responded back telling her who I was, thinking it was joke. Next thing I know my phone rings and this is what follows:

Me (answering the phone with a sarcastic tone): “Do you remember me now?”
J (giggling): “Sorry, cuz, I lost all of my contacts. Can you help me get them back?”
Me: “And how am I supposed to help you from 3,000 miles away?”
J: “I don’t know. I don’t understand what I did wrong. I pulled the phone out of the box and turned it on but my contacts were missing. Then I remembered I had to get them from my old phone, so I transferred them over but they are still missing.”
Me: “Are you sure you transferred them over?”
J: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay, how did you transfer them?”
J (sighing very deeply): “I took the battery out of my old phone and put it in my new phone then I restarted it but all of my stuff is still gone.”
Me: “Your battery?”
J: “Yes, my battery. I went into the settings and made sure I saved all my contacts and pictures, then I took the battery out and put it in my new phone. It didn’t work though. Now I don’t know what to do.”

At this point, J is starting to sound really desperate, but I was in a state of disbelief, thinking I was missing something.

Me: “Okay, J, just so I’m clear on this -- you saved your contacts in your old phone to your battery, then put that battery in your new phone?”
J: “Yes, that’s what I said.”
Me: “I see the problem. Do you always save things to batteries?”

J senses things have gone awry so she hesitates.

Me (trying really hard not to laugh): “Where is your old phone?”
J: “I packed it in the box and gave it to the mailman because I had to return it.”
Me: “So it’s gone already?”
J: “Yes, the mailman took it. It’s gone.”
Me: “Oh, J...okay. Did you see the little black plastic that was under the battery?”
J: “You mean the SIM card?”
Me (very excitedly, because I think we're getting somewhere): “Yes, yes, the SIM card, exactly. What did you do with it?”
J: “I didn’t want anyone to get my personal information that might be saved on there so I threw it in the shredder, why?”

Me: "You threw it in the shredder?"

J: "Yes, should I not have done that?"

Me, in total disbelief: “Well, dear cousin, because that is what you saved all your contacts and pictures to -- not your battery.”

After a full minute of silence, J responded with a “well, sh*t” at which point my laughter erupted out of me. To this day, I constantly ask her if she has backed her battery up. She promptly replies with a fairly nasty retort that never fails to make me laugh.